5/21/10

no more personal disaster, pretty please.

Emm, what up. I used to walk tall, now I'm shorter. If any upcoming personal disaster peep up in the mean time, it will probably cut my knees off.

I'm avoiding obstacles coming through my life, I'm so full with that. I mean, all I have to do is decide, which way I'm going to choose. And I need to be clear with myself at the first place, what am I going to do next with my life. I mean, I might going back for good, or staying here to chase away my dream. I miss my Mom and Dad, and home recently, and all I could ever think is going back, and that's killing me because people around me are being fully-supportive about this, and I don't want to make them disappointed, I mean, I'm done with failure. Well, someone might say, if you wanna be succeed, you must first learn to fail. And being failed, I'm getting sick of it.

I'm 21 years old, and mature enough to decide every single things on my own, and what my parents gave me these times, are more than enough, they let me try to get something I have always been craving for, even if it costs them a lot of everything. They are the coolest parents ever for me. The first time they let me going abroad and living alone for the whole year, I have to admit that I was kind of a little bit shocked. I didn't thought that they were going to let me go. And that was the time, I realized, that I kind of mature enough for making decision. Not kind of. I am mature enough for doing this. But back then, these past few days, I keep on craving for my home, having lazy Sunday watching TV series with my Mom and my sisters, ended up falling asleep on the couch all-together. Yeah, that was great time.

And to make such decision for staying here, is a one big single shot for me, and yes, I am scared. I will be having a total different life, and everything's not going to be the same again. That's why I am now avoiding everything I could to make this happen, I don't want any disaster anymore, those were just more than enough for me, call me lame or pesimistic, but I bet, if there's anything come up again, it will probably cut my knees off. I don't know what am I going to do next, because God won't give me (us) a hint for our upcoming life, and that, I should admit, sucks.

You know, I used to love surprises. Like when somebody appears up on your door, pop the ribbons up and gives you 40x60cm box of present you've been wanting and give you a birthday kiss, and everything seem to be too sweet to be true (this one is a true story lol), yes I used to love surprises. But, seriously dude, my life has been really full of surprises recently, like getting know someone, happy, and getting hurt, or fell down the stairs when I was too busy partying with my good friends and suddenly having these bump wounds all over my butt while the upcoming trip to Spain is like in a week, and I'm really looking forward to wear bikinis (LOL), or simply realize that I am going to have the big university entrance test on next month. Yes, surprises, plural. I don't have any idea what would happen next in my life, maybe staying in Germany and start the program all over again or going back to Indonesia continuing my program there instead, or meeting up with someone, having get away together to Athens, Greece and get married there, or whatever. I will never know what will happen next and God won't give me a hint. So time is the answer, but I kind of sick of waiting.

Time flies totally fast, I even just realized it was like a few days ago I was having new year party with my good friends in Frankfurt, and suddenly when I look up my calendar it already says 5th month of 2010. So what am I expecting?

I should eat all of this up and stop being whiny about why God never gives me (us) hint for what will happen next in our life, or bam, keep questioning my self or everyone around me, why is that or what is this, and how can it be like this. I'm running out of my time, and still I don't have any idea which way that I should choose.

I hate life, and the drama that follows, that also why I'm putting myself in to a relationship restriction at the moment, because I hate the drama parts. Why can't we just be happy and satisfied with all that we got. I mean, yes, keep on chasing our dream or anything we want is a right thing to do. But what should I do, when I'm tired of chasing things around. I eventually find out that struggling is much more difficult than challenging itself, when your beloved ones not being even a bit supportive about that, I was having that experienced, even me, I have doubts over myself, and I'm tired, too, to keep myself up for struggling while being underestimated. I feel too much drama in my life and I hate that, the part where I have to struggle, and give all up away. I just wanna have the most simpliest life that man ever had, like sitting on the beach having strawberry margarita and chilling around everyday with your loved ones, or simply doing big charity to save lives, or make everyone around you feel good about their life, whatever, just the most simple life ever, no drama, no obstacles, no chasing, no obsession, no argument, no thinking, no paying, no war, no whatever. Yeah now I'm just blabbering :p

I was picturing myself in few shots, all being succeed. But I somehow now have difficulties to get those picture back, and I hate this. I am lame, pathetic, and pesimistic. I won't say that I am alone, but I can't find anyone to talk about this, I mean, nobody can understand this, and I hate for even try to tell someone about my feeling and stuffs, kinda cheesy. I was in this 3 years of relationship, and I was having him every time I need someone to talk to about everything, we were more like sibling than boyfriend-girlfriend-like, I'm not saying that I miss him (it's not like that), but if you already got someone that you usually talk to, and then things are changed, and you even still have some best friends to talk to, but it feels different, to even let myself try to make a shot to find someone else to talk things.

I don't have guts to believe in myself anymore. I mean, I lost almost all of my confidences. But still, I am happy with my life. It just feels like, someone stole something from you, and you can't have it back easily, I feel like I'm starting to write the whole story all over again, because virus eat up my data, and I don't have the back up. It feels exactly just like that.

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