I'm in the phase where I should make a big decision for my further study and also my life. Stressful. That's the only word that describe my daily life so much lately. I've been thinking for this like forever. I'm in between, to struggle or just easily give up without trying. Because, trying.. is a lot harder when you got nothing to at least stand to. Besides, trying is way too tiring when you already know, even if you succeed, universe support you for nothing, and I don't know, I don't have any strength to at least hope for something that I really want, to be real. I might be in a hard time right now, to decide all of this on my own, to fight all the doubt I already feel about myself, and to keep on convincing people around me that I can do this and that, that I'm not even sure that I can do it. Maybe I was over confidence about this, I can't even look that people around me, who I deeply love the most, see something that I haven't find out over myself, and that is really sad. People can be doubtful about myself, and that is really okay. I've done like a thousand times failure, and I accept that maybe people could obviously under-estimate me, the way they want. But when it happened on myself, that I also doubt myself a lot on this. I'm like losing everything, and this is what I'm afraid of.
Maybe I'm rushing my decision, maybe they're right. But isn't it my life, and all I need is just people I love most being truly and totally supportive about this, and that just all I need.
Well, regarding to the book that I read recently The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that said, when you really want something, the universe will conquer and help you out through it. I shouldn't be pesimistic the very right now, but I have to admit that I lose all of my confidence. I already lose everything, and honestly, I don't know what I'm gonna do right now. People are having their hard time like maybe, facing stuffs and accept the reality of separating, being alone, or a casual breaking up. I'm facing this kind of hard time, that I should be able to decide what I'm going to do next, and just be honest to people around me, that I really want to make this happen. But I don't have any strength anymore, even to convince myself to stay on the line and keep struggle to get it.
I can't even share it to my best-friends, or sisters, or family, it just like, there's nobody who can really understand what I feel right now, and I hopelessly, don't need to be blamed on anything, because it's just enough. Like, enough, enough.
I keep telling myself to stop complain to God, on every bad things happened to me, but I keep on asking myself, can maybe God give me a hint about this, just one one single time for me, just give me the right path to step on, and just direct me to the right way, where I should be.
To be honest, I was really happy with my life the past weeks ago, like meeting up with people I like a lot and having a great time to share about literally everything with them, and all the sudden, in a short time, I get totally stressed up about this, it's just too sudden, I don't have that big heart and also brain to keep on accepting this and that, which are really confusing and tiring.
Last 4-5 months ago, I should admit, that that was totally a hard time for me, with the break-up stuffs and suddenly change the arrangements of life plan I made since I feel like I'm a mature-material person, and that was hard, but I can't imagine, when it comes to study, it feels like 10 times harder, to face this kind of reality that I might not be able to get something I really want, and I already knew it, from the start but, it's too unfair if I don't give myself a shot to try this. It's just too unfair, even though I already know, that I'm far away from succeed. It breaks my heart like totally, to know that I'm just going to be failed on this.
This might sound pesimistic, but I've been trying to be at least realistic about what I'm facing right now. Well, whatever I'm just going to let myself at least experiencing the beginner's luck, where they said, that you'll get enough confidence to win the competition because you are just begin to do it, and you haven't failed any single things on this, and just convince you to at least being confident about what you are having right now.
And, mostly of the thing is, I really need someone who can really stay beside me and keep telling me that beginner's luck is for real. Like someone who tells me to keep fight on this, and just being there when I really need words just, like beginner's luck is real, Arika. I'm not saying I have nobody for it, but I really need someone who really mean to be always beside me, and being someone good for me, that's all. I might be asking for too much, but the thing is, I lose my ability to keep on telling myself that I'm gonna pass through this, and this is the worst thing I ever feel. I can say, I'm not a cry person, but to be honest, I cry a lot lately. I told you before, I'm in my hard time, so please let me to.
I need a getaway for sure, I really need a getaway, Mom keeps telling me that I should pray more often. I pray for this, like every single second, of my recent life, and I have this special connection between me and My God (which I made it by myself), and I don't like to be disturbed about this, I have an exclusive way to share it to God, and I hope that this one is right thing to do. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about this, and letting myself to be stressed up about this, but I really can't avoid this stuffs, and how to hide this from everyone, I just can not. It's just nice, when I write about this, and maybe publish this on my blog, but it's just the only way, that I can get a silent feed back, which means, nobody agree and disagree about this, because, I'm not asking about opinion. I just need a support, and maybe this is totally selfish and it seems like I don't listen to people who keep on telling me that, this decision is hard, big, to fast, and so la la.
I need to know, that there's somebody out there who can really understand what I feel, and tells me, the beginner's luck is actually for real.
I'm having a hard time, guys, but it's not that I'm overwhelming stuff about this, but I have to be honest, I can't take this all by myself anymore.