4/22/10

discovering

What brought me here? Well, lately I've done a lot of thinking, like what am I doing here, what do I do, and what have I planned for my life. That's just artificial things, which only come out on the surface, like you only think it once and twice, and you would find the answer soon, because everybody actually already knew the theory, of how should we living our life. Well since 3 years ago, I've been meaning to really find what's beneath everything, like what I do, where do I came from, or why am I here, and stuff like that. Before I moved here in Germany, I didn't really have those much time to do a lot of thinking, like right now. I am in a different place, where people see and do things differently, and I thought it's just too wasted if I'm not finding out anything or whatever. I have a high expectation of life, and I know that I can offer something more than just living a life casually. I know I have a different taste of picking a way of doing things, and my way is obviously different from everyone's. Yeah, who doesn't. I haven't through lot of things that can make me act snobby about that, I am happy with my life whatever it gives or takes. I haven't seen enough of world that I expected to be. Well, I like writing and sharing thought, or just spilling out thoughts that just popped out of my brain. It doesn't mean that I am a freak just to spend a whole day listening to my iPod or typing thoughts on my blog. I'm doing my life totally normal the way it should be, like working (at the moment) and preparing myself for getting into college soon and daily stuff, I just feel that my life should be more than this, because I put a high expectation on that, and the reason is, I am lucky to have a life like this, to get to know new things everyday, and learn something I never knew before from TV, newspaper and people. Like when I have my quality time just sitting in an old cafe in the middle of this silent and boring town, and reading book or just enjoying one grande cup of latte machiatto somewhere, and when it's warm I choose to sit in a bank alone, listening to my iPod and just you know, getting myself to feel what's mellow or what's fun inside of me. I just feel comfortable of what I do and what I think I should do with my life recently. But last two days ago when I talked over phone with my sister, she just simply said that I wore way too hot-pants that makes me looks like a dumb head that I showed too much skins on the season of Spring, but that's not the point. She just spilled that I kept thinking and taking care too much of my temporal things, and she thinks that I'm too worldly-minded, and I agreed with it. I almost forgot that I should done a thinking that I still have my religion to put on my trust to and to live with it. I hate it when it comes to something that I have to deal with after-world things, that I hate to think that I'll die someday and somewhat in my religion says that there's a life after death that I should really keep it in mind. I keep saying stuff out-loudly that I don't care for any artificial stuff, but the reality hits the back of my head, that I just took care what I can see on the surface but not the real point of how we should living our live righteously. Okay, I don't pray so much, like what moslem should do, and I refuse to wear jilbab, well, don't ask me the reason why, I know everybody have their spiritual life that nobody can even cross the line to get to know what's on their mind actually. I have to really learn my religion better before I speak of it out loud, I know nothing of it, and I'm not doing anything right now to find out about it (but I will soon). I know that I'm small and don't know anything, and it pissed the hell out of me to know that I should've find out every single things that I keep asking myself and world, but in fact I don't. Well I know I'm still young and I don't need to rush things around me, but just so know as the world we living in, it gets old, and you don't have any idea that how time flies real fast, I should really watch my ass out for this, that I don't have much time for taking care such artificial stuff and, I know that this just get me on my nerves and I just keep being stressed of things around, but I have no choice, that I should make this one real, what I want, what I should do.

I hate it so much when people see me as this person who just really care about how do I look, or if I'm wearing a nice outfit, and taking nice pictures of myself and narcisticly put it on my blogspot, or my fakebook, or whatever. I hate to be seen dumb, because I know I'm not. And this spoiled-brat-image that I got, I'm getting really tired of it, and you know, I'm now working my ass totally to get what I really want, and what I've been dreaming since all the time. Maybe I do care about what people thought of me too much, but it's a side of my humanity, because some of my friends even asked me these question like "What are you? Are you made of stone or what?" Like when I got through really good with what happened 4 months ago, doing great and managing stuff really well which it's not supposed to be like that, like nobody even can imagine, how can I be cool for anything like that. Okay well, it's not that big a deal or so ever, but people around me always thought that I was pretending myself to be cool with everything, but I'm not, I wasn't pretending anything on that time, I'm real, I'm honest, and I'm happy. But sometime God always know what I need, and I sometime need to get really real about what happened to me, and lately I felt really disappointed of myself, that I can't manage things right, and being whiny all the time. Screw me, I was too stupid to let myself being wasted on stupid stuff that just wasting my time. And I talked to my best friends, and I keep on questioning them, why can't I manage this and that, and they just happy that I still got humanity inside of me, that apparently drag me into this way of thinking that I'm this normal to let myself feel bad about everything around me, like I don't have to be always strong and easy and cool and seem okay with everything. I don't have a hard time to adapt myself to everywhere I go. I'm doing really great here, I didn't let myself being whiny because I have to live my life totally different from what I've had when I was still living with my parents. I witnessed everyone around me having their hard time to manage themself to be constantly being familiar with new things. I'm not putting myself above everybody that I can do much better than them, but sometime I have to really have pride of myself and being proud of something that I can do better than everyone around me, well okay, once again, this might be not big a deal for you guys, who might be having harder time as mine, but back on the track again, we have our own portion of what we are facing and how we're taking care of them.

Well to realize that I'm being pretty much normal to failed sometime for managing myself for this and that, is just a perfect time also for me to realize that everything can't just go right like what I want to. As you get more involved to take care things around you seriously, the more you got everything right on the track. I've been surprised to learn that many of failure and happiness of being succeed at the same time, and it took me out of nowhere, that I can maybe call myself mature right now. There are many different types of thinking, each with its own philosophies and practices, and each people have their own different way to achieve their spiritual enlightment, maybe with struggling a lot to pass through obstacles in life with sharing, praying, meditating, or just sitting somewhere and get stoned, it's just a way of expressing everything you got, and getting know what should be done or just simply it's the way it should be on a matter of living life.

I'm pretty much goal-oriented, I might have some kind of distraction while I'm having my responsibility to be done, or so ever. But I'm pretty much thinking about my future. I sometime think that which picture I wanna have, me in a cool blazer-branded-suite with 9cm stilettos to wear and handing a Birkin Bag that happens to be my dream bag all the time and sitting on that comfortable sear in private office and taking care of documents and having the highest point of carrier life, or just casually wearing squary-loose-shirts and acid-washed-tored-whatever-jeans with sneakers and a cool camera hanging on my neck and travel a lot doing journalistic stuff and see everything in different way. I still don't know what I wanna do next, but at least I respect myself that I already got for at least 2 pictures of myself being succeed and satisfied with my life, and that's my long-term-plan of reaching number 1 level of goal in my life.

And speaking of goal, my goal of writing this blog is just not another trashy-writing-about how I feel today, and what's up with me in the mean time. I kind of wanna introduce myself in a different image. I'm spoiled, I party a lot sometime, and I love to socialize with people, and having fun around with friends, and I care about how do I look, what I wear, what to buy, and which brand is cool. I listen to anykind of music, I love sometime to be center of attention, I love being pretty and I wear make up, I'm having a great life here, and my parents love me so much. But I just wanna people around me to know, that I'm normal, I'm not dumb, I read a book a lot, and I'm not having issue of anything, to not being happy about my life or whatever, maybe it's too cheesy that I have to say, that I'm just this kind of simple person who's living a life the way it supposed to be, but what makes me different from everyone, is because I keep on constantly thinking what is life, and how do I suppose to dig through it. And when I first discovered myself, I was happy that I got this chance to really having time to think what's this all about, and that is why I have focused here primarily on the spiritually aspects of life. I have thought that I managed it as my own personal portable companion, that you should just simply do good deeds, and never do wrong to anything nor anyone. The main purpose behind my writing is just, nice to introduce myself this way, that okay, you can call me an internet-whore or so ever that I'm publishing my thoughts frontally and being too open minded for everything, but this just me, and I don't see anything wrong about this.

I struggled myself to be able to see problem as something manageable and accessible for me to take care of, and begin to see things differently. I have my own way to cleared up things, like getting out of stressed and negativity, and sometime I was sick of writing about my problems on my blog, confiding family and friends, and constantly trying to explain kind of illness that many people didn't believe in and nobody understood or really care. Like sometime being unable to live the mentally existence that I was used to, I sometime felt lost, helpless, and completely disconnected from my identity.

Curious to find out more and propelled by desperation, I signed up myself to get really involved on writing, despite a lingering skepticism, that I already felt about bringing up problem to public like what I write on my blog. I felt a little funny to publish my thoughts, but it's worth to try, right? And I'm not losing it after I had totally confidence about this and starting to feel better to giving thoughts through blog. I was determined myself to really do this right and seriously doing this.
My formerly strong, happy, shiny image of person, is still here, I'm not bothered that people keep calling me such cold-emaciated-whatever person, but my formerly image is just still there, whatever obstacles came through my life, I'm not changing myself to be a person I'm not, let's just call it maturity-transission.

Well, I guess I already wrote a lot, so, pardon me for having so much thoughts that I can't resist for not sharing it through my blog, so catch up later.

Heidelberg, 21st April 2010.

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