4/29/10

new haircut i always wanted but didn't have guts to cut it earlier. but anw thanks for the balloon, hey you. and the compliments :)






P.S : More and more narcist than ever.
P.S.S : I gain weight, I KNOW! i'm chubbier and hate it hate it -___-"
P.S.S.S : Thanks for the balloon, was it Dolphin? Or a Whale? Don't know exactly but hey, it cheered me up :)

stupid conversation

Arika : Oh God, i have to work at 15pm right?

Amalia : Yeah.

Arika : What time is it now?

Amalia : tweleve uhm thirty.

Arika : Oh shit, Julia is going to ask me to pick up the kids, I am so fookin lazy to get up from bed. I don't feel like driving right now, I'm so good looking on pajamas :/

Amalia : ....

Arika : Okay, you have to tell her if she knocks our door, tell her that I'm sick, and already took pills. Will you, please please please? (In German : those sentence would be this long ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................)

Amalia : Yeah, and then she can easily find out that you already taught me how to say those sentences correctly.

Arika : :/ Great. Okay just tell her I'm sleeping. -__-"

4/23/10

my wish list


These ballerinas are stunning. I'll get them someday, I promise.

4/22/10

discovering

What brought me here? Well, lately I've done a lot of thinking, like what am I doing here, what do I do, and what have I planned for my life. That's just artificial things, which only come out on the surface, like you only think it once and twice, and you would find the answer soon, because everybody actually already knew the theory, of how should we living our life. Well since 3 years ago, I've been meaning to really find what's beneath everything, like what I do, where do I came from, or why am I here, and stuff like that. Before I moved here in Germany, I didn't really have those much time to do a lot of thinking, like right now. I am in a different place, where people see and do things differently, and I thought it's just too wasted if I'm not finding out anything or whatever. I have a high expectation of life, and I know that I can offer something more than just living a life casually. I know I have a different taste of picking a way of doing things, and my way is obviously different from everyone's. Yeah, who doesn't. I haven't through lot of things that can make me act snobby about that, I am happy with my life whatever it gives or takes. I haven't seen enough of world that I expected to be. Well, I like writing and sharing thought, or just spilling out thoughts that just popped out of my brain. It doesn't mean that I am a freak just to spend a whole day listening to my iPod or typing thoughts on my blog. I'm doing my life totally normal the way it should be, like working (at the moment) and preparing myself for getting into college soon and daily stuff, I just feel that my life should be more than this, because I put a high expectation on that, and the reason is, I am lucky to have a life like this, to get to know new things everyday, and learn something I never knew before from TV, newspaper and people. Like when I have my quality time just sitting in an old cafe in the middle of this silent and boring town, and reading book or just enjoying one grande cup of latte machiatto somewhere, and when it's warm I choose to sit in a bank alone, listening to my iPod and just you know, getting myself to feel what's mellow or what's fun inside of me. I just feel comfortable of what I do and what I think I should do with my life recently. But last two days ago when I talked over phone with my sister, she just simply said that I wore way too hot-pants that makes me looks like a dumb head that I showed too much skins on the season of Spring, but that's not the point. She just spilled that I kept thinking and taking care too much of my temporal things, and she thinks that I'm too worldly-minded, and I agreed with it. I almost forgot that I should done a thinking that I still have my religion to put on my trust to and to live with it. I hate it when it comes to something that I have to deal with after-world things, that I hate to think that I'll die someday and somewhat in my religion says that there's a life after death that I should really keep it in mind. I keep saying stuff out-loudly that I don't care for any artificial stuff, but the reality hits the back of my head, that I just took care what I can see on the surface but not the real point of how we should living our live righteously. Okay, I don't pray so much, like what moslem should do, and I refuse to wear jilbab, well, don't ask me the reason why, I know everybody have their spiritual life that nobody can even cross the line to get to know what's on their mind actually. I have to really learn my religion better before I speak of it out loud, I know nothing of it, and I'm not doing anything right now to find out about it (but I will soon). I know that I'm small and don't know anything, and it pissed the hell out of me to know that I should've find out every single things that I keep asking myself and world, but in fact I don't. Well I know I'm still young and I don't need to rush things around me, but just so know as the world we living in, it gets old, and you don't have any idea that how time flies real fast, I should really watch my ass out for this, that I don't have much time for taking care such artificial stuff and, I know that this just get me on my nerves and I just keep being stressed of things around, but I have no choice, that I should make this one real, what I want, what I should do.

I hate it so much when people see me as this person who just really care about how do I look, or if I'm wearing a nice outfit, and taking nice pictures of myself and narcisticly put it on my blogspot, or my fakebook, or whatever. I hate to be seen dumb, because I know I'm not. And this spoiled-brat-image that I got, I'm getting really tired of it, and you know, I'm now working my ass totally to get what I really want, and what I've been dreaming since all the time. Maybe I do care about what people thought of me too much, but it's a side of my humanity, because some of my friends even asked me these question like "What are you? Are you made of stone or what?" Like when I got through really good with what happened 4 months ago, doing great and managing stuff really well which it's not supposed to be like that, like nobody even can imagine, how can I be cool for anything like that. Okay well, it's not that big a deal or so ever, but people around me always thought that I was pretending myself to be cool with everything, but I'm not, I wasn't pretending anything on that time, I'm real, I'm honest, and I'm happy. But sometime God always know what I need, and I sometime need to get really real about what happened to me, and lately I felt really disappointed of myself, that I can't manage things right, and being whiny all the time. Screw me, I was too stupid to let myself being wasted on stupid stuff that just wasting my time. And I talked to my best friends, and I keep on questioning them, why can't I manage this and that, and they just happy that I still got humanity inside of me, that apparently drag me into this way of thinking that I'm this normal to let myself feel bad about everything around me, like I don't have to be always strong and easy and cool and seem okay with everything. I don't have a hard time to adapt myself to everywhere I go. I'm doing really great here, I didn't let myself being whiny because I have to live my life totally different from what I've had when I was still living with my parents. I witnessed everyone around me having their hard time to manage themself to be constantly being familiar with new things. I'm not putting myself above everybody that I can do much better than them, but sometime I have to really have pride of myself and being proud of something that I can do better than everyone around me, well okay, once again, this might be not big a deal for you guys, who might be having harder time as mine, but back on the track again, we have our own portion of what we are facing and how we're taking care of them.

Well to realize that I'm being pretty much normal to failed sometime for managing myself for this and that, is just a perfect time also for me to realize that everything can't just go right like what I want to. As you get more involved to take care things around you seriously, the more you got everything right on the track. I've been surprised to learn that many of failure and happiness of being succeed at the same time, and it took me out of nowhere, that I can maybe call myself mature right now. There are many different types of thinking, each with its own philosophies and practices, and each people have their own different way to achieve their spiritual enlightment, maybe with struggling a lot to pass through obstacles in life with sharing, praying, meditating, or just sitting somewhere and get stoned, it's just a way of expressing everything you got, and getting know what should be done or just simply it's the way it should be on a matter of living life.

I'm pretty much goal-oriented, I might have some kind of distraction while I'm having my responsibility to be done, or so ever. But I'm pretty much thinking about my future. I sometime think that which picture I wanna have, me in a cool blazer-branded-suite with 9cm stilettos to wear and handing a Birkin Bag that happens to be my dream bag all the time and sitting on that comfortable sear in private office and taking care of documents and having the highest point of carrier life, or just casually wearing squary-loose-shirts and acid-washed-tored-whatever-jeans with sneakers and a cool camera hanging on my neck and travel a lot doing journalistic stuff and see everything in different way. I still don't know what I wanna do next, but at least I respect myself that I already got for at least 2 pictures of myself being succeed and satisfied with my life, and that's my long-term-plan of reaching number 1 level of goal in my life.

And speaking of goal, my goal of writing this blog is just not another trashy-writing-about how I feel today, and what's up with me in the mean time. I kind of wanna introduce myself in a different image. I'm spoiled, I party a lot sometime, and I love to socialize with people, and having fun around with friends, and I care about how do I look, what I wear, what to buy, and which brand is cool. I listen to anykind of music, I love sometime to be center of attention, I love being pretty and I wear make up, I'm having a great life here, and my parents love me so much. But I just wanna people around me to know, that I'm normal, I'm not dumb, I read a book a lot, and I'm not having issue of anything, to not being happy about my life or whatever, maybe it's too cheesy that I have to say, that I'm just this kind of simple person who's living a life the way it supposed to be, but what makes me different from everyone, is because I keep on constantly thinking what is life, and how do I suppose to dig through it. And when I first discovered myself, I was happy that I got this chance to really having time to think what's this all about, and that is why I have focused here primarily on the spiritually aspects of life. I have thought that I managed it as my own personal portable companion, that you should just simply do good deeds, and never do wrong to anything nor anyone. The main purpose behind my writing is just, nice to introduce myself this way, that okay, you can call me an internet-whore or so ever that I'm publishing my thoughts frontally and being too open minded for everything, but this just me, and I don't see anything wrong about this.

I struggled myself to be able to see problem as something manageable and accessible for me to take care of, and begin to see things differently. I have my own way to cleared up things, like getting out of stressed and negativity, and sometime I was sick of writing about my problems on my blog, confiding family and friends, and constantly trying to explain kind of illness that many people didn't believe in and nobody understood or really care. Like sometime being unable to live the mentally existence that I was used to, I sometime felt lost, helpless, and completely disconnected from my identity.

Curious to find out more and propelled by desperation, I signed up myself to get really involved on writing, despite a lingering skepticism, that I already felt about bringing up problem to public like what I write on my blog. I felt a little funny to publish my thoughts, but it's worth to try, right? And I'm not losing it after I had totally confidence about this and starting to feel better to giving thoughts through blog. I was determined myself to really do this right and seriously doing this.
My formerly strong, happy, shiny image of person, is still here, I'm not bothered that people keep calling me such cold-emaciated-whatever person, but my formerly image is just still there, whatever obstacles came through my life, I'm not changing myself to be a person I'm not, let's just call it maturity-transission.

Well, I guess I already wrote a lot, so, pardon me for having so much thoughts that I can't resist for not sharing it through my blog, so catch up later.

Heidelberg, 21st April 2010.

4/19/10

I played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid, and at some point in time I wanted to be a firefighter, but I cried watching Notebook. What am I?

[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It’s hilarious when people get hurt. (it depends)
[ ] Shopping is torture
[x] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] You owned a DS, PS2, N64, or Sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun
[ ] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once

—-YOUR GIRL SIDE—-
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] You go to your mom to talk.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[x] You cried watching The Notebook.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[x] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[ ] You are/were in gymnastics
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower and get dressed
[ ] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] You like putting make-up on others.
[ ] You like being the star of everything.
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors.
NOT AT ALL!!

Appearance •

[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[ ] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •

[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •

[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[x] Broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[ ] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I’ve had serious surgery.
[ ] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •

[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[ ] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Cuba.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[ ] I’ve gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[x] I’ve been to Singapore.

• Experiences •

[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[ ] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[x] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[ ] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.

• Relationships •

[x] I’m single.
[ ] I’m in a relationship.
[x] I’m almost engaged.(and the bla bla bla LOL)
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I don’t believe in love

• Honesty / Crime •

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[x] I’ve been (almost) arrested.

• Death and Suicide •
[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[ ] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[ ] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

• Materialism •
[ ] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •

[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] Don’t kill bugs/don’t like to
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[x] I love spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.

[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[x] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[?] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] All my answers were totally honest

4/18/10

it's just my outfit, that blue. nothing else.





P.S : Likewise, i know i'm in my hard time, but good, that I buy myself time to take pictures and blog again after so a long time. Everything's soon going to be so fine. I can manage myself to be okay. I'm sure. Ah, it's just another betrayal and what so ever about that, I lost my almost bla bla fiancee once, this one should be easier :D LOL. I published everything lately okay too much, but I need somehow an escape. So pardon me for this.

4/16/10

i get bored the whole night :p so i made this unintentionally!

I love my beanie so much, I found it few days ago in my closet, and I'm like wearing it the whole time to everywhere, and I made this kind of video total unintentionally! I was like playing guitar the whole time after studying for like crazy, and I just got the idea to record it and kind of publish it here. I know I can't play guitar that well, and I am lucky that I got guitar right now, but still, I KNOW MY VOICE IS SUCKS, I CAN'T LITERALLY SING, but what so ever. I don't care. I just had fun :)

P.S : maybe I looked a bit weird because i keep looking on the cam, which is not actually like that, it's because I keep on peeking the page where you can see the lyrics and also the chords, i told you, it's been so long since i play guitar, i thought it's almost a year, so I obviously forgot every chords on it. bla bla bla. this video is sucks, and whatever! and yes, it doesn't represent my feeling after all (at all), this song is just my favorite song of my whole life time, since I was in elementary school (i guess). So, it has nothing to do with anything.
P.S.S : see my previous post, i already post the lyric of this song.
P.S.S.S : Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger!

4/15/10

just for now



I think something is burning,
Now you've ruined the whole thing
Muffle the smoke alarm
Whoever put on this music
Had better quick, sharp, remove it
Pour me another
Oh, don't wag your finger at me

Just For Now ~ Imogen Heap :)

4/11/10

should i just say hello to summer earlier? i gotta feeling that later on we can totally swim outside in November.mother earth please don't get warmer









P.S : Do I look good with red lip?
P.S.S : I love my new aviator anyway, i wore it like the whole day the whole time!
P.S.S.S : okay this post is total narcist, but whatever.

can't ever get bored of this one. i sang it all the way coming back from school.

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day.
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock 'n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start the revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the Brains I had went to my head
Step outside cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
I heard you say

And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today.

4/10/10

i should be in jail, and I'm not proud of my record so far -__-"

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 4

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL so far: 12

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL so far: 20

1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL so far: 23

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL so far: 28

1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush.
TOTAL so far: 36

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL so far: 43

1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10.been verbally harassed.
TOTAL so far: 51

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL so far: 60

Grand Total: 60 (IF I COUNTED RIGHT)

If you have less than 10, write “I’m a goody-goody”
If you have more than 10, write “I’m still a goody goody”
If you have more than 20, write “I’m average”
If you have more than 30, write “I’m a bad kid”
If you have more than 40, write “I’m a very bad influence”
If you have more than 50, write “I’m a horrible person”
If you have more than 60, write “I should be in jail”
If you have more than 70, write “I should be dead

4/7/10

?

Uhm, it feels like, idk.

4/6/10

Let, Struggle, Fight.

I'm in the phase where I should make a big decision for my further study and also my life. Stressful. That's the only word that describe my daily life so much lately. I've been thinking for this like forever. I'm in between, to struggle or just easily give up without trying. Because, trying.. is a lot harder when you got nothing to at least stand to. Besides, trying is way too tiring when you already know, even if you succeed, universe support you for nothing, and I don't know, I don't have any strength to at least hope for something that I really want, to be real. I might be in a hard time right now, to decide all of this on my own, to fight all the doubt I already feel about myself, and to keep on convincing people around me that I can do this and that, that I'm not even sure that I can do it. Maybe I was over confidence about this, I can't even look that people around me, who I deeply love the most, see something that I haven't find out over myself, and that is really sad. People can be doubtful about myself, and that is really okay. I've done like a thousand times failure, and I accept that maybe people could obviously under-estimate me, the way they want. But when it happened on myself, that I also doubt myself a lot on this. I'm like losing everything, and this is what I'm afraid of.
Maybe I'm rushing my decision, maybe they're right. But isn't it my life, and all I need is just people I love most being truly and totally supportive about this, and that just all I need.
Well, regarding to the book that I read recently The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, that said, when you really want something, the universe will conquer and help you out through it. I shouldn't be pesimistic the very right now, but I have to admit that I lose all of my confidence. I already lose everything, and honestly, I don't know what I'm gonna do right now. People are having their hard time like maybe, facing stuffs and accept the reality of separating, being alone, or a casual breaking up. I'm facing this kind of hard time, that I should be able to decide what I'm going to do next, and just be honest to people around me, that I really want to make this happen. But I don't have any strength anymore, even to convince myself to stay on the line and keep struggle to get it.
I can't even share it to my best-friends, or sisters, or family, it just like, there's nobody who can really understand what I feel right now, and I hopelessly, don't need to be blamed on anything, because it's just enough. Like, enough, enough.
I keep telling myself to stop complain to God, on every bad things happened to me, but I keep on asking myself, can maybe God give me a hint about this, just one one single time for me, just give me the right path to step on, and just direct me to the right way, where I should be.
To be honest, I was really happy with my life the past weeks ago, like meeting up with people I like a lot and having a great time to share about literally everything with them, and all the sudden, in a short time, I get totally stressed up about this, it's just too sudden, I don't have that big heart and also brain to keep on accepting this and that, which are really confusing and tiring.
Last 4-5 months ago, I should admit, that that was totally a hard time for me, with the break-up stuffs and suddenly change the arrangements of life plan I made since I feel like I'm a mature-material person, and that was hard, but I can't imagine, when it comes to study, it feels like 10 times harder, to face this kind of reality that I might not be able to get something I really want, and I already knew it, from the start but, it's too unfair if I don't give myself a shot to try this. It's just too unfair, even though I already know, that I'm far away from succeed. It breaks my heart like totally, to know that I'm just going to be failed on this.
This might sound pesimistic, but I've been trying to be at least realistic about what I'm facing right now. Well, whatever I'm just going to let myself at least experiencing the beginner's luck, where they said, that you'll get enough confidence to win the competition because you are just begin to do it, and you haven't failed any single things on this, and just convince you to at least being confident about what you are having right now.
And, mostly of the thing is, I really need someone who can really stay beside me and keep telling me that beginner's luck is for real. Like someone who tells me to keep fight on this, and just being there when I really need words just, like beginner's luck is real, Arika. I'm not saying I have nobody for it, but I really need someone who really mean to be always beside me, and being someone good for me, that's all. I might be asking for too much, but the thing is, I lose my ability to keep on telling myself that I'm gonna pass through this, and this is the worst thing I ever feel. I can say, I'm not a cry person, but to be honest, I cry a lot lately. I told you before, I'm in my hard time, so please let me to.
I need a getaway for sure, I really need a getaway, Mom keeps telling me that I should pray more often. I pray for this, like every single second, of my recent life, and I have this special connection between me and My God (which I made it by myself), and I don't like to be disturbed about this, I have an exclusive way to share it to God, and I hope that this one is right thing to do. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about this, and letting myself to be stressed up about this, but I really can't avoid this stuffs, and how to hide this from everyone, I just can not. It's just nice, when I write about this, and maybe publish this on my blog, but it's just the only way, that I can get a silent feed back, which means, nobody agree and disagree about this, because, I'm not asking about opinion. I just need a support, and maybe this is totally selfish and it seems like I don't listen to people who keep on telling me that, this decision is hard, big, to fast, and so la la.
I need to know, that there's somebody out there who can really understand what I feel, and tells me, the beginner's luck is actually for real.
I'm having a hard time, guys, but it's not that I'm overwhelming stuff about this, but I have to be honest, I can't take this all by myself anymore.

4/4/10

you know?

"If you eat a bar of chocolate every day for 36,500 days, you'll live to be 100 years old."

I'm crazy for Chocolate like totally. I could eat more than 300 grams chocolate per day. But, live to be 100 years? Yeah, cool.
Well I hope so. Nobody could ever predict what happen in the next hour, minute, or even second, so just live your live righteously. Don't think too much. Don't get stressed up. Don't rush anything. And take a deep breath.

Well to be honest, I'm in a hard time right now, and I'm just hoping for the best and really looking forward to it. Well my big sissy always told me, whatever God gives you, it's the best for you, so just let it be that way.
 

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