6/26/09

My wandering days are over! by : Resa Dimitri Prasetyo

My wandering days are over!
You know my wandering days are over
Does that mean that i'm getting boring?
You tell me
"i'm tired of listening myself,"
"yeah i'm tired of fixing things for my red marlboro and the rest of them"
you know my bip-bopping days are over
i hung my shoes up and then retired from your room.
The space between your bed and wardrobe with the louvre doors.
You know my celibate days are over.
You put me straight on the finer points of my speech rehearsed.
In the mirror of my steamy bathroom
where the lino tells a sorry story in monologue.
Two years six month on, the truth's gone.
The disenchanted pony left the town with the circus boy
The circus boy got lonely
The circus boy is feeling melancholy.
It's got to be fate that's doing it.
A spooky witch in a sexy dress has been bugging me.
With the story of the way it should be.
With the story of Lemon and Pineapple the singer.
Yeah, you know my one band is over.
I hit the drum for the final time and i walked away.
I saw you in Japanese restaurant.
You were doing it for business men on the piano, pineapple!
You said it was a living hell
you said you were in hell.
Two years six month on, the fake is coming.
The circus boy still got lonely,
it's fake..
And it's your song
been written for the man who stole my fiancee..
That's song is absolutely yours.
And the circus boy is feeling melancholy..


Yes, you're right "too much love will kill you", and also "too much lies will kill you too"..... :(

My wandering days are over now!

The bitterest month ever

If you still waiting...

Keep waiting, perhaps that i can change my feeling...

Lib uoy gnivol llits m'i...
coba ada menu 'unlike' udh aku klik.
whatever it is. let the time doing it right...
Resa Dimitri Prasetyo
Actually aku jg "unlike" that situation,but the note tell the truth.. :(
yawdalah............. just let the time aja :(

I'm still waiting, though I'm in pain, Sir. It's okay. Wed at 8:39am

I thank you God, for taking those chances away.
I'm pathetic.
Nothing else matters.
I'm dead, and I'm picking up trash in dresses.

But God please let him know, that I'm not faking my feeling for him.

"I was crazy over you, you should know that you were really a life for me."
you took this pic, remember. oh you already know i was gonna wait for you. this pose is just prfct.


But now I'm waiting in death.
:) though, I'm still waiting.
I think. We're just dismissed it, well it's my turn to figure it out.
You could just sit, and watch, and here we are.

Is this the only way for me?

When can get off these gloomiest days, and yes your birthday is a few days more.
And if you could remember a little, a year ago, your birthday was so beautifully planned.
Well.. If you ever change your feelings for me, it's your right and that's okay. But please let me be the one who's going to re-build this. You can go, or anything, I'm already burned, and guess I'm dead.


But the most important is, I'm not faking my feelings for you. You should know that, how many times I keep writing all of these notes for you, I'm still gonna convince you, that I was crazy enough about you, but yes I already runs out my tears, I can't drop anymore tears, cause I'm already dead.
It's nice to be dead, all I do here, is waiting for you, a life coming back for sure, I'm commiting myself not to run from it, I'm going to wait until my life is coming back to me.
I'm not a trash, you could make it right, will you? Even if I'm a jerk, I'm still not a trash.
Can you note that also, I came to by all of the sudden circumstances, and I still don't blame you for leaving in this kind of situation.
I convince, I'm not running away from this, I'm waiting.

Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes, you're like an indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy, with a surprise in the center, and tell me, please how do I get BETTER, onece I GOT THE BEST. You said there's tons of fish in the water, but I'm not going to test the water.
I'm just gonna wait. I wish you were here.
I have no more place to escape, or somebody to share to. I have already nothing bothers me, so if you could notice a little, I'm already destroyed by myself because I'm not letting myself over you (for the thousand times, I'm still not faking my feeling for you). I'm speaking for just finding the reason why would God created both of us, and these circumstances is killing me. But though I'm still waiting, even in a pain, I'm still waiting.
So please don't blame me sir, for keeping my self to write notes I don't usually do. Well sir, yiu were the only person shares everything. And without you, writing is just a best way, I found. If you somehow, disturbed by any kind of these garbages, please just let me know, I'm going to stop this, yes..I'm gonna do anything to make you..to a little bit fix you, anything, to make my life back soon.

I'm going to leave you for 365 nights away. And that's going to be perfect. I'm not going to let a little myself touch you and hurt you. Oh how I'm going to miss you, sir.

I'm still writing, I'm still waiting.. No matter how hurt these are, nothing bothers me anymore, I let the time doing right.
I'm still waiting for you Sir, though I'm in pain. Though you're in pain too. But Sir, just sit and watch.

Super-Fragilistic-Dead-Fake-Feeling Wed at 12:56am

So, on what purpose shoud I have fight for?
Well, I think I urgently going to call a surgeon. I got a heart attack. It's already broken since...yeah I don't know when exactly. I'm not going to tell the truth, cause I don't know what's true anymore! It's like I'm hidden, and hiding into a never-end-crisis, I'm like canceling my life for something that doesn't even worth for it, SO SORRY? I'm not going to apologize. This one month is really hard for me though it is a process, I keep on writing these garbages, keep on faking myself into something I habitually unfamiliar with it, I'm sick of it, sick of being that kinda depressed person, I'm not. Can you please lend me a little shine of sun?

So, on what purpose I keep doing this?
Times, I've been facing hard times watching peoples gone by, so my thoughts was, if i ever going to leave, when should I, and WHY should I? GIVING UP? Well it's a choice. So, if I can choose one most important thing, I was just going to pick, I'll stay for anything, and a cliche one "really fight for it", but based on what just happened is, I don't think that those are going to be real, maybe someday. And all of the sudden, the pain is still pain, a scratch would ever going to back to the way it was, It's broken, and hurt.

I WANNA ERASE ALL THE GOOD MEMORIES I HAD, I WANNA DELETE ALL THE THINGS THAT RELATED EVEN A LITTLE, I WANT TO JUST TO BE HAPPY, AND THAT"S ALL IN THIS LITTLE TIME, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THESE, LET ME RUNAWAY FROM THE HARD REALITY.

Though I still writing this,
I will always be waiting for you.

Will someone please just keep me away from the knife?
haha.. I would never gonna do such things.

I'm The One Who is in Charge

For the whole bloody life, i couldn't be more agreed, that I fall in love with you and most of the time I stumble, and fall into pieces, you are really my life, for me. Why can't you just believe that I really hate to be this grumpy-alone-and-depressed
person. So, will you please tell me where the exit is? Well I must have been forgot to say, you are also my eyes. You are my berry in my eyes, and can't you just believe it?
I'm like over a thousand times convince you to believe me, I'm real, oh maybe I'm not normal-being.
People made mistakes, they did really.

You know how it breaks my heart to see you sad, and not to see your smile. You know in 52 days more, I'm going to lose you, lose the time. We share, we kiss, we hurt, we miss, those times. I'm going to miss you so much, I predict that, I couldn't even handle it. What.. you are my blessing in disguise, how can I tell you more than this much i love you. I love you.

Could we make it a happy ending? Or haven't we start something leads to one important thing?
for 2,6 years we've been through it. oh how i really missed those times. I really can't help it, I always drop my tears every single time I remember it, there's a lot of things reminds me of you. It's like so much beautiful things, too much, way too much. Can we just go back in time? Because I wanna google you even deeper. Will you ever open the gates, so I can see through you? Is there any possible way to find you? I'll kidnap you forever in me. Should I wipe my tears so I can see you even clearer? Can I just....hug you for a while?

I wouldn't care, if somehow, I drop 1litre of tears to you, you are more precious comparing to that. and could you just blow my mistakes away, so we can get throuh hard times? Could you just go back to the way we are? Can we just be happy of what we got?

Oh how I really being over drrramatic, I'm not that kind of person.
But then I realized, I'm the drama queen, and I played my part.

But just for now, can I just hold you, for the last time?

So What's More Pathetic ?


Life isn't created to be all filled with love, for God''s sake, at least that what my thought.
You said, you are not designed to believe someone easily, Dear. And that just perfect, we can't count ourselves into a situation that force us to believe in someone (else). I talked way too much about love, now I'm not sure what am I doing right now. And doubtful, is really not my personality. I have told everyone, that I'm not a gray person, yes is always had to be "yes" and so do "no". It has been never "maybe", because living in doubts is sucks.
What's more pathetic, Dear?
To be a best friend, it can happened in all of the sudden.
to be a lover, a same way, you can say.
to die, it's an easier way to do.
I have never been happy, for the whole life can be, I don't deserve happiness. And please, I am so okay with that, it's really bored you know, to heard, or read such a chronically love stories, bed-time stories such as Cinderella, Snow White, those are frigging bullshit for me.
Life is about starting and ending, building and breaking. Not to mention that I'm closely-to-a-depressing such situation, it's just I want to write a lot, I don't know how to share this, it's like I'm faking my feelings in words, but that's okay with me, and please, I'm not a pity.
Well, people need time to crawl, and making such their dreams to be real, but talking real analogically, so what's real anymore? We live in a fake, fake, fake life. We die, then the life after the death is the real one
, I'm still guessing through it, mention I'm not kinda religious and all that person, I don't pray much but, repeat I still believe that God does exist, and nothing can change that .
So, what's more pathetic, Dear?
Honestly I can't find any words that related to what I'm feeling right now, it's like I'm still faking this, faking that, but I'm not tired, this doesn't have to be over, because this is Life i had, this I won't regret though I'm not happy.

jadi, Ketemu kan? hihihi :) nyampah abis gw.

YOU CAN CANCEL IT NOW!!

You should read this line carefully.
But you just said. You're not ready. Well okay..just cancel it will you? Nothing more to feel. I'm terminated by you. Thanks to you.

"Consider I'm done with this garbage, I decided to put all the doubts, and face it up. Its a step that worth to try. Its a phase I have to live with, and a choice that I have to deal with it."

Nothing's left to say..
Just let the time doing it right.

A Huge Step <3 and Writing is a Relief :)

And all of the sudden, I decided to write a notes again :)

I'm now like facing a big-nearly-hugest step I ever had. I'm facing a next big world that I grateful to have it. God give me chances (a lot), and I don't want it to be wasted as I always did for over like thousand times. I was reading my old notes, referring to someone I called a coward, but I made a mistake..I'm the one he should've called a coward. But life doesn't have to be all filled with love right? So then we decided not to have a talk, speech, or lecture about that, and it based on a logical philosophy with a tagline "Too Much Love Will Kill You" and I added "Soon" to it. We never talked about that anymore.

So life has to be all about changes. We change clothes, we change our socks, we also change our feelings, that is normal, though changing is not always great, but challenging, am I right? So.. Why does we have to be affraid of any of that? I don't make my sense. Life has its own path, so pray. Though I don't pray much.

Repeat of what I said, I was out of the phase, the sickened life crisis. And it was all rubish..garbage. Sucks. So I delightful with all of these -yeay-just-called-it-an-en
lightment. I'm happy enough with this zuperrr situation, but I have to face the next step, which is huge for me. And I'm a coward. Not that I mention I'm not sure about the next step I had to take, its just weird, referring to a haha-hihi project then bold it to a higher level of a relationship, oh I must've been forgot to mention what step..its about relationship, and I'm not really brave to face it up. So then I go writing this note, "nyampah" again, then publish again, even though I wanna skip the "publish" part, I still want to share my thoughts to any people who read this (call it garbage).
I thing I have a lack sensibility to create the path, because I was lost too deep, and it was also pretty bad.
I don't hide, I was lost, but I guess I can say that somebody found me, and take me back to where I am. And he is the greatest man I ever met (I posted this on my current notes). Well let's just zip it up, just don't lock it. I'm affraid I want to open it but the key is already gone, so I prefer to have it close with a zipper one, easier to do, simplier way to make, and the weakest point to have. But its okay right? Nobody do such things, they locked what they want to forget. They threw out keys, they're leaving memories. But that is a way. A way that would someone ever to regret. I regret too much things, I also blamed my self for everything, that does make sense for me, in a weakest point, I'm the one who destroys..I'm the one who were leaving, I'm the one who regretted.

I never want to be a gray. I always one in a side, even if its black (which means bad), I always take one side, I don't do choose, I always let God take action of anything related to my life. I always believe that God put the best way in every move we have, every breath we take, even in a worst situation I believe God give us best. So there's nothing to be worried. I've been writing my whole life. Its the best way to cut all those gloomiest days without ability to share your kinda problems.

Consider I'm done with this garbage, I decided to put all the doubts, and face it up. Its a step that worth to try. Its a phase I have to live with, and a choice that I have to deal with it.

I'm going to keep my thoughts to be written or to be typed, not to let people know what I'm doing, but sharing is the best way. In addition to make this note is useful if somehow its related to same problem we have to face, just write!

I'll post this one later on blogspot once I get a chance to use my laptop instead this frustrating blackberry :( hihi.

Oh writing is a relief for me!

For The Greatest Guy I Met Today :)

God, please forgive me for what I have sinned.

God, please don't take those chance away from me.

God, please.. Erase those cruel memories I ever had, please just let it blown away.

God, thanks for giving me my life back.

God, thanks for giving him back to me.

God, thanks for creating a greatest guy, who has the biggest heart ever and giving me much chances to be who I really am, and those sacrifices from him, I couldn't ask for more. And please God, let us take a good care for all the things we had, and please God, don't take it away. I was naïve, I wasn't sure what I was doing, but God, you give me my life back, and that..is I don't want to waste. God please forgive me for what I've sinned.

Oh God, what a waste.. What a 3 days waste of time, waste of feeling..

Please forgive me, please..
And thanks for the thousand chances you gave to me, you are really my life.

This One is Really For You :(

Ooh my,
After the hardest day and nightmares ever.. I'm still can't get off of you, you have to know that. Its just I can't get through time, I don't know which is right or wrong, but I guess if you wanna know and you have to know that, I still love you, while just not in love with you. I'm not finding a new one, I'm just trying to distort my self away from you. And you have to know that, those are killing me, you have to admit how much I love you, I even have to distort my self to just forget a little about you. I'm talking, my chest are full of you, really..I miss you..u should now that. I can't recall a better day, I guess so can't you. We're even. We're hurt.
Its not me violate you, baby. Its we're violating each other, and nothing more to compare, I just don't need another gossip. I still love you, you have to know that. I am lame and pathetic, but I'm not ashame being crazy, it depends on how you take this.
Somebody sent me this line, a beautiful line, "You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy, And based on your body language, And shoddy cursive I've been reading..Your style is quite selective,though your mind is rather reckless..Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is.."

Its just me, over being fulfilled of you. And we definietly can't get back to the way we are, so we aren't fighting anymore. Its us, being mature baby, its a process.

But still you have to know that I still love you, its just you're not buzzing me through my days anymore, but my... I can't just get off of you.

And yes, you read it. You don't have to get any gossip from anyone. My life was whole drama..and I don't need gossip. Really? Do you believe me?
No, you don't have to.

Repeat ; I still love you, I'm not finding a new one, I have to let myself over you, before its too late. And right, I distort my self to get away from you, its not even close to have a new one baby, and I apologize for everything I've done. Before its too late.
And yes, now I smoked way too much.

Playlist : Stars, Mika- Happy Ending, Lifehouse- You and Me, Radiohead- Fake Plastic Tree.

And you have to know, I'm not faking my feelings for you. I was crazy enough about you :(

A Not Really Beautiful Mess I made

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]

We're still here
What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"

Through, timeless words and priceless pictures We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the way it was so worth ..


Me : will you sing this for me? Just for me?
Him : I got no guitar.
Me : really?
Him : yes.

Both : :(

6/5/09

My Own Way Renaissance

Blazer by : Next, Dress by : tube dress tailored, Shoes : Toscashoe


I'm sick and I'm only faking all of these. I'm fine, but you just said that i'm insane or even worse than that. But you're fine.. You're just fine. I suck way too much cigarettes. I smoke a lot. I don't care. This is my Renaissance. For the whole bloody life, our life. I just wanna say Fuckkk you very much. Keira Knightley is right. You can see her on My Blueberry Nights, it is a movie for sure. But you are too naive to fucking agree with me and that just sucks. I loved you, I loved you very much. You are too damn right for me. Yeah you are too damn fine. And I'm about to suicide. Suicidal is the best way. You can see it through my eyes. You can feel the nicotine through my veins.

Oh you are too damn right. Too damn fine. I die, and I smoked a lot.



Blazer by : Next, Dress by : tube dress tailored, Shoes : Toscashoe


Oooh what a bastard!














6/2/09

conclude there's nothing behind words


I don't know myself very well. Most of the times, i fall into an old same hole for thousand times.
I am blind, and deaf, but I can speak much very well, and that is the point of my weak-ness. Too much talking instead of making a movement. But that's me.

I am making much efforts to change myself into a better condition. But none are succeed. But that is a life that must go on, and i have to take that as an final execution for any of my mistakes. It sucks though, but if you look over and see it, mistakes are fun. No need much effort also to conclude that a life must be the way it is. We absolutely can't change the past though we can make a better way the future. But God has plans. We will never know. And to do so, praying is the best weapon to say, but not everyone in this whole bloody world do it. I don't pray much. But I believe that GOD does exist. And in my case. I need GOD, to help me for sure. But it has its own ways, and what making me effortless is time. Time is doing very well and very great. Time healing, time also destroying. But that's the way it works right? and I am now making much efforts to get out from this sickened life crisis. Maybe I need time (oh more time), but I won't let the time doing it over-work, (oh in my heart says, God must be proud of me) oh yessss, really? NO. I don't think so.


Squary leggings : No Tag, Shoes : Charles and Keith, Tosca Top : 21, Necklace : alva's,
Watch : Benneton



I won't let myself being gloomy or-so-ever. Because a big chance to get out from this crisis is on its way, and i am going to find it, do it, accept it, and also learn from what have happened.
I am closely to mature, I am on my way to find myself. I am going to be me. And I'm going to know myself very well.
 

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